I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i think im in europe. pls send help
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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