I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
