i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
