Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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