The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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