i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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