I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
