sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
