i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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