If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
