Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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