So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
