were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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