I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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