she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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