so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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