just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize