y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
