well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i dont even know how to be here
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
