I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
