So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
