I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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