I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
dude i'm inner monologue high
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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