I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
