If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
