I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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