theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
