ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
