If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
