Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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