Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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