I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize