She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
