Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
this just has baby written all over it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
