I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My feet surprised me
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