Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize