so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
