Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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