Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
