I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Randomize
