hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
