My first STD was from a foam party
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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