i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
