Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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