my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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