It's like God shit irony all over that family
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
