Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize