So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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