Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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