you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
