We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
