i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
