Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
