Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
