Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
