Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
