Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
