You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
