A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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